Smut royalty princesskiss made her name in the business writing radical political death porn. Her work ranges from the nostalgic to the apocalyptic. Her fortune has allowed her to purchase several castles which she has since converted into communally owned affordable housing. Her other interests include euphoric pop and history involving sex.

Just as Tabitha Switchitt’s marriage to her sixth husband, Geoffrey, ended, the marriage of her two loves—storytelling and sensuality—began. Untethered to any city, and untethered from reality (according to Dr. Samuels), she travels from Paris to Berlin to Moscow to visit the many moneyed widows who finance her erotic fiction GoFundMe. When she isn’t channeling her energies to overcome her oral fixation, she is leaving anonymous negative Google reviews on the novels of her many enemies. She’s chosen to celebrate her 25th birthday this Boxing Day.

Beverly Rosselini drinks a white wine spritzer immediately after sex, and has done so since she first married in 1973. When she’s not writing erotica or going through a divorce, she tends to her bee farm religiously. She’s had a few stings from her buzzy little baby boys: it seems they find her anti-aging face creams irresistibly delicious. As a result, she wears a customised Pucci print silk facekini as part of her beekeeping outfit, tucked into her cashmere turtleneck. She plans to have it trademarked. Oh, and she’s a minx in the sack, obviously.

Hailing from the foothills of the Bavarian Alps, Helene Schneider dreamed of escape from her idyllic but painfully boring childhood. At 18 she stowed away to Australia in search of sex and glamour, bewitched by a chance viewing of Neighbours. Impulsively tumbling through life and tussling up bedsheets, she's penned everything from restaurant menus to soap plotlines to erotic fiction. Her life ambition still evades her, though: meeting Kylie Minogue.

Regina Babylons is a beloved agony aunt, experienced contortionist and Professor of Sensuality at the University of Colchester. Her role in popularising the usage of whipped cream in the bedroom has made her the darling of the dairy industry, and abhorred by vegans the world over. Her first ever erotic novel, “Banana Split Me Open”, sold over 4 billion copies, and inspired a generation of “Babylon Babes” to follow her lead. She now spends her time teaching Zoom masterclasses, practicing agile aerobics and whisking egg whites into frothy peaks - for your pleasure.

Just like the comedian’s comedian, or the writer’s writer, Oscar Mahogany is the Scottish person’s Scottish person. For this issue, he lends his mellifluous vocal cords to Miss Babylon’s audio story Submergence. His performance as a submarine sailor might have you convinced that he dominates the sub scene, but he’s never actually been underwater or even bathed. He IS someone who respects wood though. When he passes a particularly beautiful mahogany desk he has been known to bend over and press and ear to it, as if listening to it’s aristocratic secrets. And then after a while, he’ll whisper, as if to steady it, "easy, girl, easy."

Heironymous Birthday is an erotic raconteur and the rightful heir to the Birthday fortune (regardless of what any of his halfwit cousins say). Stripped of his castles and diamonds and thrown to the wolves, the young Birthday cut his teeth in the taxidermy industry, with a speciality in large parakeets. After the industry collapsed due to the rising price of stuffing, our wayward libertine attempted to write the definitive biography of centrist war criminal Tony Blair. This never-published work of genius was described by at least one of the Milliband brothers as "powerfully erotic," and thus Birthday began the next exciting phase of his career.

With sip of sekt, and soft lick of lip, P. Manent-Hardon is in a constant state of literary arousal. Despite being the grandchild of the 1960s king of erotic censorship, P would let - no, encourage(!) - their wife, servant, and lover to delight in their climatic lyricism. In their work, P breaks with tradition to provide minimalist queer euphoria and a fucking good time. Let their words gently smother, and play mother to your kink.

Tom or Judy Moore is a multifunctional artist and busy little bee. They write the comic Everything is Somewhat Repaired. (insta @everythingrepaired.) They've exhibited at the National Portrait Gallery, ICA, and Whose Museum. They sing and teach drawing in Berlin. If you give them money they will spend it on blood tests and the good hormones: patreon.com/tomorjudy

Diego Calderara, in his own words: “I have an ancestor who was a painter. He was once told to paint his sister's room with floral patterns, and he locked himself in for weeks to work on it. Finally, he revealed this gigantic fresco which was basically a circle of hell with naked demons dancing and fucking. His sister ran away screaming, he got a beating and the demon dicks were covered up. I like to think that that's where my passion for drawing sexy things comes from.” Take a peek at Diego’s drawings on Instagram @caldosfera.

Mirotica lingers in the high peaks of alpine paradise seeking climactic thrills on the daily. Summiting the wildest crags before noon, she spends the rest of the day holed away in her cavernous atelier where she paints her sensuous subjects. Dripping in summer ecstasy, her work revels in the hedonic imaginary untethered from capitalistic mire. Wanderers of the peaks around her studio may find themselves lured to her fiery refuge, which can be found by a curl of smoke rising from the moaning pine brush at night. You can find her other work here: mirandaholmesart.com.

Scholar by day and sleeping by night, th0t_xxxperiment is interested in observing the motions of interdiscourse — or, according to credible source Wikipedia, the “explicit relations that a discourse has to other discourses.” How many discourses you ask? Probably many. Possibly too many. Maintaining the hard objectivity of an academic, she does not partake, but rather just likes to watch the slow, intimate melt of systems of symbols into each other, penetrating so deep, that it’s impossible to tell where the boundaries lie. She also made this website. Follow on ig: @_n4t4sh4.